Category: Dating and Relationships
My fingers hover over the keyboard, spread as if they are spiders who are confused on how to make a web.
I’m resting at the forefront of my dating regime, at a desk in my apartment trying to think of something about me that the members of this gay dating site need to know. Ironically this part of the initiation is the hardest.
The signup was easy for my adaptive computer technology that robotically tells me everyone’s messages, height, and weight. There weren't any words I had to type to verify my identity, there weren't any advertisements sprinkled into a profile detailing a guy who likes to pretend to fly with toy airplanes. Everything is smooth like melted butter until this part in the acquaintance, the about me.
My thought process seems to have a planned detour; as if my brain schemed how it was going to depart at the exact moment I need it to work its magic. First, dictation, then there's deliberation, then debating, then dumbstruck diatribe. My fingers don't move but deductions springs into my mind like a sweptback gymnast.
People will marvel at my eloquence for words upon first glance so this will whisk me up to an 80% on the attraction slider. When they talk with me verbally however, I'm sure the stammer will jab me down to 45%.
When people read that I have a white cane my dating chances will shoot down to 30%. I know this figure based on experience. To boost my score perhaps I should entice them first with facts about my journalism work where I detail LGBT news and issues, and couple that with my obsessive love for mint chocolate chip ice cream and pony rides. If I do that my percentage will shoot up to 45% because everybody loves chocolate ice cream way before mint.
If I say I passionately read books I believe that will drop my percentage to 40% because that's a boring passion and I will be metaphorically studying every thought and action people have so I think I will leave that out.
If I say that I enjoy long walks on the beach I'll have scored a whammy without even needing to mention that I can't walk that far before my muscles complain because they have exercised past their patience level, gaging the percentage between 75% and 65%. no one wants to carry a blind wordsmith through the sand but it would definitely make a nice Christmas card.
My hobbies will definitely bring my dating percentage up but transportation will nudge it back down again like tight jeans. Scheduling rides 24 hours in advance to everything from plays, to restaurants, to sports games, to theme parks, and movies makes the percentage quiver at 85%.
Surely the understanding that I sustain my own life and apartment would pivot me above 90%. It’d lift me up to 98% because men like other men who have it together but the supportive living label will make me drop again. People always get skittish when they hear that the clothes I bought with money I've earned from work are washed by a certified nurse’s assistant in an apartment complex that houses 87 blind adults. This scares them a lot so I'm dropped to 90%.
With all of these factors deciding how attractive I am, I try to determine the best way for me to outweigh all those scary stamps attached to my many good traits. The wonderment doesn't last long as my fingers soon dance over the keys with precise confidence. I explain a factor that will rocket me up on the attractive meter. I'm lovingly assertive and love talking cats. Without a doubt the talking cats halts me at 100%.
I'm interested how you came up with your figures?
Or did you get better results with that app GrindrGay for iPhone? The one Dan Savage talks about?
Think of me as an arsehole, or whatever you wish, but that post, those number, those factors, that painfully easy submition to over-thinking, is the only thing driving other guys away from you. I completely understand the selfconciousness of your living situation, the possibly perceived geekyness of your hobbies and interests, and the anoying nisesity of having to preplan every outing. However, if you don't stop caring as much about these aspects of you that make you who you are, just enjoy life, and express how much you do so, then you will achieve nothing. At this point in my life (I'm only 22), I fermly believe unabashedly being yourself is more powerful than any word or afrodesiac you could apply to the situation.
So I say to you, good sir, be the wonderfully smart bookwurm that you are, weave those words into the minds of the unexpected, and hook yourself a hunk with nothing but yourself. Anyone unaccepting of who you naturally are clearly wasn't worth your time or meant for you. I know it sounds cliche, but that's all I've got. lol. Good luck my friend!
Are you offering him a date at least? Smile.
I do admit that some of it can be handled, such as 24 hour notice for a ride, provided he is only blind, and can ride a bus.
More difficult, but doable.
But it is a fact that much of this might take a score down on a dating site, and that is why I really would like to know where the scores came from?
Hmmm!... A date at least, or do you mean at all? Lol wayne! I do agree with Dwight, here. Though I'm genuinely curious as well where the numbers come from? I don't think that any scores will guarantee or insure perfect results or that one and only match. Ok, so they find all these things about you on the site, but then they meet you and vise versa, and that is a whole different story. Now then, what happened to the scores? What if the other person on that same sight didn't mention anything, or some of these facts about himself? Do they really mean anything in the end? It's so easy to be fooled, that's all I'm saying. So I really think it boils down to being who you are, because your disabilities don't define you as a person. Sure, your prospective partner/date should know, I'm not saying you should hide it. That's totally up to you. I'm not denegrating, I'm just trying to make some sence out of this. :)
i think most of you are taking the whole scale to mean literal reference. i dont think it is what he had in mind.my interpretation of his scale is to quantify and have a reference point. dont obses on the scale but rather on his honesty and humility.
But you don't need a scale to proove your honesty and humility. Especially an online one. You can be just as dishonest and the scale can be honest in your dishonesty. Sure, it may be a reference point, but it can't be a reliable source of seeking mutual atraction. In the end they're just scales. So what? What if they suddenly cease from existing? You're still who you are, and the first person to whom you must proove that is yourself. I'm sure it might or would or could work, for some people, and well that's on them.
So why is his scale wrong, but the standards lists, the fifty things that women wished men knew, all ok? Because it's about his disability? Hmm this doublethink I have always found to be a problem.
But who's said that a list of 50 things men should do is ok? In my book there's no such list for my man, sorry Leo. Not me. So... And I don't think the scale is wrong, just unreliable. I didn't even mention disability at all. No right or wrong here. It's just how people use it, and the importance they place in it. That's all.
Sorry, I meant a list of things men should know about women. I don't subscribe to those ideas. Still, though. No double standerds here.
Ah I can see that. Wasn't so much directing at you as the society's double standard at large. I personally use no scales myself, but I am admittedly a rogue who is total equality for all, equal rights *and* equal responsibilities, both concurrently.
Yes, Leo, you are right, we judge on a scale sort of.
Dolte, I agree, they don't mean much in the skeeme of things.
I'm just interested how he's gotten the figures? Does the site have a scale?
I'd guess some do, and when you are looking and prospective dates, you might use the scale. I'd not, but you understand.
Well, I have to say that no matter where this scale came from, I find it to be quite inaccurate. No human being can possibly score 100% on such a scale. No one is perfect, so trying to attain perfection would be pretty pointless.
I get the feeling that, for all the self-doubt you guys are pointing out, this is supposed to be something similar to the 50 things a perfect man would do thing that Leo mentioned. I believe that this article is trying to say, in a long-winded and roundabout way, that perfection is not only attainable, but desirable. That's not a good message to send.
Now, I don't do the online dating thing, but that's a personal preference. I simply don't feel that being in a long distance relationship is something I'm interested in pursuing. But I can sort of understand that there might be more pressure, when creating an online dating profile, to make a good first impression. It is true that a person's style of writing can say a lot about them. On a first date with someone that you know in real life, you control how much or how little of your life you reveal. To an extent, you do this online as well, but you have to include some details about yourself in the profile. Well, technically, I guess you don't have to, but I doubt many people would respond to a person who has a blank profile.
Anyway, you're putting yourself out there a bit more than you might in person, and many people are going to see and judge it. But that still doesn't mean you should go into it thinking, "well, I need to do everything I can to make my profile the most stunning thing on this site!"
Furthermore, I get the feeling that some of you are taking this scale literally, that you're thinking he's saying that this dating site has such a thing. I seriously doubt that's the case, it would be ridiculous. I could be mistaken about that, though.
The point is, in an online situation, with only pictures and text to go on, I'd say that no one is even going to score higher than a 50%, if you must quantify it that way. See, online, you're only getting half or less of the portrait of the full person. You're seeing everything in 2 dimensions rather than 3. Text and pictures are great, but they're flat, not truly developed yet. That takes time, and actually meeting and getting to know the person in question. Whether it works out or not, I think that the important thing to remember if you're going to try dating online is that you should put your best foot forward, but just as much as you're deliberating about what to put in that profile, the person reading it is probably doing just as much deliberating about the information presented within it. People have lots of time to actually think about what is said if it's written and they don't have to immediately respond, the way you would if you're on that first date, sitting across the table from each other and trying to get to know each other.
Actually online dating for the most part is vary local. You can even look for people say withen a 20 mile limit, and many people do exactly that.
They don't want to have to drive or travel to far to meet, say for dinner, or whatever.
After that it goes long distance
I don't know what he meant, so I'm asking. Smile..
I must say that I have some personal experience with the op, which is why I took it from that angle. Either way, he can always come back and explain, if he chooses.
My points about perfectionism still stand.
Yes, you're right about meeting people locally, that makes sense. I hadn't really considered that, because as I said, I'm not much for online interactions in general, so never even really explored any dating sites. I imagine that a lot of people would be looking for people to meet locally, and that the internet is just one such venue to do so.
They allow the chance to have a wider group of people you'd not even know where there.
Next, you can interact with them before you meet.
It is easy to say, hop over to Starbucks, on 3RD AVE. 4 blocks away to meet a person you've been chatting with online for a while.
If he or she doesn't match the photo, you're not out much. If they do, you can chat in a safe place for a while in person.
Some women have up to 2 3 dates a day. You can get breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Smile.
Even sighted people don't like the person they'll be dating to be to far away. They don't like to have to travel for a night out, and spontaneous dates are easier if a person just lives a few miles away.
very true for real
I have done long distance and would do it again.
My only requirement is we meet withen say the first 2 or 3 months. If not it is just an online friendship.
If it is going to work, we'd need to set up a way to get together often as well.
I'd not expect her to be without male companionship while we were apart, but if things got to the point we needed each other, we'd have to decide who was relocating.
Nothing like picking up the telephone texting or calling and saying, "what are you doing today? Lets have coffee." Smile.
I've even done coffee long distance on the phone, but it is nice to be able to touch your guest. Maybe smear a little icing from your donut on her. Sip from her cup, because all guys know her coffee will taste better than yours.
Green Turtle, 50%? I would probably score an even 20%. As I keep telling Chelsea, some of us are older, fatter, uglier, and make less money than you. Lol
I agree with wayne on this one. I think that in order for it to be a long distance relationship involving some kind of romance, we have to meet. I personally don't like to give a certain number of months, as it depends how much of a distance and how much we both are able and willing to travel and such... Also, I agree that it's not my place to forbid him of the female companionship he could have when I can't fulfill it for him at the moment. I've heard of cases where people cling on to the other person, wanting to know their every move and reminding them not to make mistakes with other people. Of course, we all know what that means. That's a big no no for me. I believe people should be given their own space,. If there's no trust, it simpley ain't gonna work. And i think both of us have to be able to travel, not one person making the effort. If it's within the country, well of course it might be a bit easier to get to and fro. Still, though... Nothing like physically sharing that coffee, rum, wine and food we oh so talked about and shared from afar. For some it works, for others it doesn't. I would definitely do it. Sure there are times when you absolutely need each other and you just can't be there, and that's tough. But local relationships aren't easy either.
Sure, you're right. I have a friend that married a Russian girl. He has traveled there 4 times in a year. Expensive. He's gone now, and hopes to have her Visa by May.
A Russian woman was his dream, so he kept looking until he hit.
When he's not there, they Skype. She is visual, so they use the camera and visit as if they were in the same place.
She can't travel here until she has that visa, so hopefully soon.
Me, my dream must be in the US, or Canada. If more than that, a country she can go and come from easy.
There is no scale. What man A thinks is a seventy percent, man B thinks is a negative fourty-eight percent. So saying you have no chance is displaying a lack of understanding of how the attraction game works. In order for their to be a scale there would have to be parameters. For there to be parameters there have to be standards. Everyone has diferent standards. So at best there are exactly as many scales as there are people looking to date. Which is several billion.
Ah, but maybe, and he's not answered, there is such a set of standards on this website, or a scale.
No, it isn't the one the world uses, but might be the one the people use on the site?
No idea if there's a scale here because everytime I've seen people wish to take an interest in finding dates on this site, they are told more than once that somehow this site is not the place. No explanation is ever given, it seems. Either this site in particular attracts a certain criminal element and all the friends you've made here are nothing but Nigerian identity thieves and child molesters and killers just waiting for victims, else, since it is mostly blind folks that post here, the idea of two blind people dating just makes people sick. Haven't quite worked this one out yet.
I haven't read all the replies yet, but I have read a few. I am actually quite shocked that you actually want to know where the figures come from. I just made them up, but then again, everyone, except for one poster, didn't understand the commentary and satire I was making to how people judge other people based on what we see and read on gay dating sites. I guess on straight websites, it's different, but the scale was actually a commentary on our judgments and labeling people. If you’re trying to take it literally, then you’re going about this the wrong way entirely.
On the other hand, I worded this exactly for a reason. Every word I used has a meaning behind it, even if it's cased within a sentence, or a scale that doesn't exist. All this piece is is just commentary. Satire that is very deep and it speaks a lot of truths... that people judge based on what they see, and disabled people have factors about their disabilities or how they live with their disabilities that make them attractive and unattractive and that's not how it should be.
This is nothing more than a clever satire that shows many truths between the sentences. It's a touching satirical way of saying people judge a book by its cover. That's all.
The end? That 100%? I'm sorry but nobody got that either. Look at the previous sentence… I put that I loved talking cats… without a doubt the talking cats halts me at 100%. Now, who's that for? My personal being or for someone reading my online profile? I shall never tell. The article will tell you, anyway.
Why should that not be how it is? I'm turned off by a blind girl who can't take care of herself. Why should it be different from same-sex attraction? I'm turned off by girls with shaved heads, or half shaved heads, or untamed pubic regions, or a vast wealth of other factors. Why should that not be how it is
As much as I dislike it, that is true.
When edating you are looking for the person that you'll like being with. If the disability bothers you, it is best not to try doing it at all.
Dating is for pleasure, not to prove your open mindness.
Maybe you like white men over black men. Taller guys, over shorter.
You don't like fit guys, or thin guys, you want your guy to have a bit of flesh on him.
Sure, you could probably hook up with a blind guy, and learn it is okay, but when you are looking, it is like shopping. You are trying to get the best fit.
We as blind men just have to sale better.
Try me, and this is why!
well said. because i do not have anything better to write... i thought that it would be an epic thing for me to blog about my dates. Ironically all of my readers are sighted... but i am blogging to just release my thoughts... if i gain an audiance than that is a pleasant bonus.
So what's the address of your blog? I'm up for a read :) I love romance. :)
Ok it was satirical, but you posted and you got some perspective about this, I understand, though. I still stand by what I said